Today is my fortieth birthday.
Lately I've been getting lots of "forty isn't so bad" and "you wouldn't want to be thirty again, right?" Truth is though, I wouldn't want to be thirty again and I wouldn't go back to twenty for all the tea in China.
I spent too many years to count feeling unhappy with what I saw when I looked in the mirror. My imperfections glared out me in a blaze until I shielded my eyes and looked away. Every day.
The rampant malcontent among young girls in American culture is not news. I am only further proof of it's existence.
Something changed for me though, somewhere in the years following my divorce — long after my first born was in school.
I started to appreciate the lines in my face for the stories they told. I looked upon my body with wonder and awe for how it nurtured my children. I began to admire my unruly hair for it's distinctly identifiable silhouette. And I stopped looking away.
I don't wear much makeup or color my hair. I hardly remember to put on earrings and I live in comfortable jeans and sweaters.
And I still feel beautiful.
Not every day. But most days. I believe it comes from inside and it is a reconciliation of sorts. A true understanding that beauty is individual. (It helps not to read magazines or watch too much television as well.)
I don't envy the mother of girls the monumental task of imprinting this understanding on their babies. My mother told me I was beautiful every day and yet I didn't believe her until I was well into adulthood. No one ever made me feel less than, but I still wanted to be more. Why was that, I wonder.
I'm finished with it now though and I'm welcoming my next decade with open arms.
Thanks for visiting.
Happy fortieth, Beautiful! I'll be following you soon.
Posted by: Sarah Jackson | January 24, 2009 at 02:45 PM
One of my friends (a young woman I mentored when she was in high school) said to me while she was home at Christmas break, "I think it's stupid when women want to change their faces. Each wrinkle represents your life, everything you've experienced! It's part of your beauty!" Your thoughts reminds me of this. I love your writing about appreciating the beauty of your body and face and profile....inspiring!
Happy Birthday!
Posted by: Andrea | January 24, 2009 at 03:54 PM
Well, I truly wish you a happiest fortieth and your move into the next decade of your life.
p.s. your recollection of beauty and age reminded me of the 'calendar girls" movie - you probably have seen it.
Cheers!
Posted by: | January 24, 2009 at 04:27 PM
Without a doubt my 40s have been the best years of my life. (I'm in the middle of them.)
Happy birthday!
Posted by: Frogdancer | January 24, 2009 at 04:32 PM
bravo. happy birthday! the way you feel now is the way i've been dreaming i'll feel when i hit 4-0. can't wait.
Posted by: molly | January 24, 2009 at 04:41 PM
Happy Birthday!
Posted by: Caroline | January 24, 2009 at 05:27 PM
LOVE THE PHOTO AMY!!!!! Your beautiful! HAPPY 40th!!!! YOu are ENough!
Posted by: V | January 24, 2009 at 05:29 PM
happy birthday, dear amy. i hope you have a wonderful day, full of love and laughter to last the rest of the year.
as mom to a girl, i wonder just about every day how she can avoid what i have gone through. if only telling them how beautiful they are were enough. especially when i still don't believe it about myself.
Posted by: maya | January 24, 2009 at 06:18 PM
What a beautiful Eye! Happy birthday Amy! I wish I was closer to give you a BIG hug. Your writing is such a great point in my day. Thanks for that.
I thank the Lord that I have boys. I've always lived in the same boat of mother tells me I'm beautiful but I'm not buying it. I don't know how to do pretty. Hair, make-up, self esteem? I'd have nothign to offer a daughter.
Posted by: elizabeth of course | January 24, 2009 at 09:02 PM
happy birthday! I hope it is a fantastic day!
Posted by: Cami | January 24, 2009 at 10:57 PM
Amen! Great post - happy birthday again :)
Posted by: Amy @ parkcitygirl | January 24, 2009 at 11:51 PM
What a lovely post. Happy birthday - happy new decade! - to you.
Posted by: Melissa | January 24, 2009 at 11:52 PM
Well said, my friend, well said!
I was just saying on Sarah's 25 things, in our 20's we have stamina. We earn our confidence through our 30's. Now is the decade for wisdom. And you, Love, have hit the ground running!
xoxox
Posted by: caroline thornewill | January 25, 2009 at 08:14 AM
Happy birthday again! I wish you the best!
Posted by: Laura | January 25, 2009 at 01:16 PM
"...with every lesson learned / a line upon your beautiful face..."
Happy birthday!
Posted by: Kathleen | January 25, 2009 at 07:26 PM
I love that picture, Amy.
I was so surprised to read that you didn't think of yourself as beautiful because I think you are stunning! And I would pay good money if I could have your fabulous hair!
Posted by: Alexis | January 26, 2009 at 09:34 AM
what a lovely post and a great attitude! happy belated birthday!
Posted by: jacquie | January 26, 2009 at 11:42 AM
Happy, happy Birthday a little late! By the looks of it you had a great one!
Posted by: amy | January 26, 2009 at 07:43 PM
you couldn't have said it better.
happy happy (belated) birthday!
Posted by: leslie | February 04, 2009 at 10:52 AM